18 December 2010

Holiday Eating Tips - Oldie But Goodie

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately and go next door where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly - it's rare. You cannot find it at any other time of year. So drink up! Who cares that it has 1000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat - enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think - it's almost Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food free. Lots of it.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before they become the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes, if you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. apple, pumpkin, mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel full when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" George Carlin


Anonymous said...

I howled at number six. And GC's quote? priceless! Merry Christmas!

Durward Discussion said...

That GC quote is on my sidebar, but somebody added the words "chocolate and wine in hand" which is probably the only way to improve on that wise sentiment.

maryt/theteach said...

I laughed heartily at these tips and you hit the nail on the head everytime, Jamie! :)

Linda said...

Only a ten-pound plate?? Someone isn't filling it properly!

We had SO much food here last night that I didn't get the chance to nearly as much of it as I would have liked as I just filled up too fast. Just not fair!! Oh, and there was nary a carrot stick though there was a lovely fruit platter!

Travis Cody said...

I concur!